


What is the Cost?

by Dream_Wreaver



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Character Analysis, Character Study, Denial of Feelings, F/M, Gabriel-Centric, How Can you Not Love a Woman Killing Herself to Help you Gabriel?, Hurt/Comfort, Miracle Queen spoilers, S3 Final Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-27
Updated: 2019-11-27
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:53:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21584077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dream_Wreaver/pseuds/Dream_Wreaver
Summary: As he works on restoring the brooch, Gabriel reflects a little on what brought him to this point. Or rather, who.
Relationships: Gabriel Agreste | Papillon | Hawk Moth/Nathalie Sancoeur
Comments: 3
Kudos: 77





	What is the Cost?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GranadaCtonica](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GranadaCtonica/gifts).



> Part of the Gabenath Discord Exchange. Hope you like it giftee!

It was hard to remain steadfast the longer his success was delayed. So many times, so many victories within his grasp, and so many times he’d been foiled at the last possible moment. Emilie, she was depending on him, she needed him to fulfill their promise and rectify their past mistakes. But it was hard, so hard. He’d already given up once, and the guilt had nearly crushed him. And yet, there had always been someone there by his side, hadn’t there?

Gabriel didn’t know what to make of Nathalie, or any feelings he may or may not have had regarding her. Nathalie was just… Nathalie. Always there, always vigilant, always steadfast and unwavering. Even to her own detriment. He’d already lost Emilie to the peacock’s influence, he couldn’t stand to lose another person he’d let so close to him. Of course, Emilie’s closeness had been by choice, Nathalie’s had been out of necessity. Gabriel had to stifle an embittered breath of laughter. It sounded like a lie even as he thought it. And to put voice to it? Please, not even _he_ would have believed himself. He hadn’t _had_ to let Nathalie in on the secret of his plans to misuse a magical artifact to gain others. He could have done alone and without, as he had before… before everything that made this worth doing. But she’d made it all so much easier. Too easy. Catalyst had been perhaps the greatest scheme he’d yet concocted. Though, to be fair Nathalie had ironed out all the kinks, as she normally did. The plan had been near fool-proof, but yet again he’d underestimated the power of Ladybug’s Lucky Charm. If only he hadn’t done that. If only he hadn’t been backed into a corner by his own confidence. If only Nathalie hadn’t been willing to do anything to save him. If only Mayura hadn’t happened. If only, if only, if only. He should have stayed behind, should have stayed with _her_. Maybe if he had things wouldn’t have turned out this way.

Now here he was, yet again, watching someone he cared about slowly slip away. Because of Duusu. No, no, that wasn’t quite right. It wasn’t really Duusu’s fault, which was why he kept from telling her the truth about what had happened, what _was_ happening, to Nathalie or Emilie. It wasn’t Duusu’s fault her miraculous, and to some extent she herself, was damaged. He had always wished he could help her, but he couldn’t until he fixed every mistake thus far. He _needed_ those miraculous, and then everything would work out for everybody. Reversing the mistakes of the past; he would know what happened, he would be able to help her too. Everything would be alright; Duusu could be healed by the guardian, his wife would be back, Adrien would have his mother again, and Nathalie wouldn’t be sick anymore. That was the end goal, to make everything right again. So didn’t the ends justify his means? What he did wouldn’t have any consequences in the end. Except, Nathalie. Nathalie had consequences, which was why he’d finally put his foot down and forbade her from making herself worse.

But this time… he’d needed her. The question was, had it been worth it? Nathalie had been so weak. So weak she’d been on the verge of collapsing even as Mayura. And he’d felt guilty, so, _so_ guilty. He knew exactly what the miraculous had been doing to her. But whenever she’d brushed it off he’d believed her because he’d wanted it both ways. He knew he was a terrible man for the lengths he would go to retrieve Emilie from the realm of oblivion. But how much worse did he feel for the fact that he was taking advantage of one of the few people remaining that he gave a damn about to try and achieve it? Using Nathalie was akin to using Adrien, never something that had been on the table. At least, not until she had offered to do it willingly.

Gabriel sighed, ceasing his work for just a moment as his thoughts threatened to consume him. Nathalie was upstairs resting. Nooroo was down here with him, as he worked. She’d done it, Nathalie had managed to find a way to turn this loss into a victory, just as she always did. Beaten, but never defeated. And now, now he had something else to tie him to Ladybug. Part of him was tempted to just make another Feast, to create a monster dedicated to tracking down the miraculous. Now that Ladybug was the guardian, finding where the miraculous were would lead him right to her civilian identity. With the peacock fixed he wouldn’t even have to resort to waiting for another hapless victim to help fulfill his plans. He could create that monster himself. And yet…

Using the miraculous, his _wife’s_ miraculous, _Nathalie’s_ miraculous. Attempting to do so caused a hollow feeling to form in the pit of his stomach. Adrien, who would look after Adrien? What if he had done it wrong? How could he help fulfill his promise to Emilie if he was going comatose too? But Nathalie… he couldn’t risk Nathalie again. Not when it had gotten so bad she’d barely been able to stand. The wounds on the miraculous, he’d fixed them, but what if it was too late? What if Nathalie was too far gone, and all that he could do was watch helplessly? But who else could he trust? Certainly not Lila Rossi, she would sell him out to save her own skin. And Ladybug may have had a distaste for the young woman because of her lies, but the same likely could have been said for Chloe Bourgeois, and Ladybug had still forgiven her. Not that Lila would or should ever be trusted with a miraculous of any kind, she would use it for her own vendetta, which wasn’t about gaining the miraculous to give to him. Lila may have thought she had Hawkmoth fooled, but he’d been inside her mind, and he’d seen the truth. Taking away Ladybug’s miraculous would be about personal victory, and every hunter liked to keep a trophy from their prey.

Gabriel didn’t know what to make of anything anymore. With a sigh he returned Duusu’s brooch to the safe and went to sit with Nathalie. Nathalie, his poor, poor Nathalie. His most loyal support. Always ready to do any and everything to help him, no matter the cost. Was it wrong for him to be touched by how much she cared? Was it wrong for him to selfishly want that security and comfort even as he tried to revive the woman who should have been all that and more? His memories, they were beginning to fade. Emilie had certainly made him happy, he knew that as surely as he knew the color of the sky. But… had she ever been as supportive of him and his goals as Nathalie had been of him? It was a question he found difficult to answer. And not because he refused to compare his wife and his assistant. But because he honestly couldn’t remember. He had spent so long chasing the ladybug and black cat’s miraculouses, in an effort to make everything right. This timeline was doomed, when he got his wish, everything would be fixed. But then… then what would happen? Would he remember? Would he be forced to live with the guilt of what had already happened? Would he be forced to live with the memory of Nathalie, far more supportive and closer to him than he had let himself get to anyone in so long?

Nooroo floated nearby, watching silently. Gabriel felt a little bad for the kwami. It wasn’t his fault he’d landed in the hands of Gabriel. The whole day had tired him out extensively.

“Nooroo,” he began quietly, “Without saying what I already know, tell me; am I doing the right thing?”

The tiny god looked at his master sadly, “I don’t know anymore Master,” he answered.

Fundamentally, they both knew what he was doing was wrong. To abuse a miraculous for selfish gain, to create villains and cause massive amounts of collateral damage all for the tenuous promise that Gabriel’s wish would allow them to return to the past and fix everything. To allow himself a confidant that could not understand his pain but be sympathetic to it and vow to aid him to victory regardless of personal cost. To allow himself to grow close to her. And wasn’t that the most confusing part? Gabriel had thought himself almost as much a master of compartmentalizing as Nathalie was, but the truth was that even she couldn’t stop feelings from developing. So what chance had he had?

Her breathing, slow and even and oh so still halted a moment. The slight hitch that spoke of wakefulness. She had been sleeping for several hours at this point. It was now late into the night. But how could Gabriel sleep with the thought that if he did she would never wake up again? He would stay with her until she went, at least until then. Nathalie’s face scrunched up for a moment as though she were about to open her eyes. But then, it smoothed out into someone drifting back on the waves of unconsciousness. Still, she was more lucid than she had been since passing out. He wanted to take this chance to say goodbye, if it were the end.

He’d told her not at that cost, never at that cost. And then he’d gone ahead and let her do it anyways. He couldn’t accept that he’d needed her. What would he do if she fell and he still hadn’t succeeded. He’d been doing it on his own at first, but he had to admit he’d never really been doing it on his own. Nathalie had always known, and he’d relied on her to help keep the company going while he attempted again and again to get the power to fix everything.

Gabriel sighed again, placing a hand against her cheek. He felt tears well behind his own eyes as he allowed himself to feel all the guilt and fear he normally repressed, “Nathalie,” his voice was hoarse with unshed tears, unexpressed sadness, “I’m so, so sorry. I’m sorry I let it get this far. I’m sorry I failed so many times you decided to step in and help me. I’m sorry I let you instead of insisting you didn’t. Please Nathalie,” he leaned in a little closer, “If you can do nothing else, I hope someday you can forgive me for all of this.”

He felt a hand come to rest over his own, pressing his palm tighter to her cheek. Nathalie’s eyes fluttered for a moment, and then cracked open just the tiniest bit. He felt his heart sink, not realizing the secret hope he’d harbored that fixing the peacock would help fix her too. She hadn’t been as far gone as Emilie, maybe it would have worked. He was glad he hadn’t allowed himself to consciously hope for that. It would have only made him feel worse when he was wrong. So weak. She was still so weak.

“There's nothing to forgive,” Nathalie whispered, voice just as weak as the rest of her, “I told you I'd do anything for you, and I meant it. Don't blame yourself for the actions I chose to take,”

“But-” Gabriel attempted to protest. How could he not? Without him she never would have done what she did, never would have sacrificed what she had. And for her to take full responsibility like this, could he at least not attempt to be as much a man as she was right now?

“Please Gabriel,” she begged him, “Please,” there was a light cough that wracked her frame, but the way her breathing sounded afterwards she may as well have attempted to hack up a lung, “I don’t want you do do that. How can you expect forgiveness if you can't even forgive yourself?”

“I can't,” Gabriel answered after a long moment of thought, but Nathalie had already fallen back asleep. Her breathing deep and even. Part of him wanted to wake her, to make certain that the creature which had ensnared his beloved Emilie wouldn't do the same to someone else he cared about. But the more rational half knew that keeping her awake would only weaken her further.

“Get some rest Nathalie,” Gabriel murmured, leaning down before he could think his actions through and placing a tender kiss on her forehead, “When you wake up again, I'll be here.”

And he swore he would, no matter the cost.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment and let me know what you thought. Thanks for reading and happy thanksgiving everyone!


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